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Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher

07.01.15 at 2:07 pm ET


North CarolinaA Currituck County High School teacher was indicted by a grand jury Tuesday on a charge of felony sex with a student.

Kimberly Lynne Umphlett, 24, of Kill Devil Hills, turned herself in to authorities Tuesday evening.

Currituck County Sheriff Susan Johnson said deputies began investigating the case in mid-May.

Johnson said Umphlett began inappropriate sexual contact with the student as early as April.

At the risk of lapsing into self promotion, one of my proudest accomplishments in my years at Barstool Sports was the pioneering work I did in the field of teacher sex scandals. If you’re not familiar with it, I won’t go another sentence before I point out I only cover the stories involving female teachers and male students. I literally did hundreds of them. It was one of the most popular things I ever did over there. And Lord knows there was never a lack of subjects to write about.

Let me be clear: Male educators taking advantage of their positions to seduce female students is disgusting and they should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. It’s why the Founding Fathers, in their infinite wisdom, wrote the Double Standard right into the Constitution.

Well I’ve been asked repeatedly in the seven or so months since Thornography was launched to bring back the Sex Scandal Teacher blogs and I was frankly not sure if I’d be able to translate an idea I started at a soft core smut site to a snarky, irreverent fan page on a legitimate sports information site. That and when you work for the legit press there are restrictions on copyrighted uses of photos I didn’t had to deal with before. So I dragged my feet.

But today I say, to hell with it. This weekend we celebrate the birth of a great nation, one based on the freedom and self-determination of the individual. It’s a holiday where you’re encouraged – I might even say compelled – to exercise your liberties. To eat fatty meats cooked over fire, to drink things that aren’t good for you, to sing too loud, have too much fun and blow things up. And I would add, to express yourself creatively.

If writing goofy blogs celebrating the activities of women so crazy they’ll throw their careers away and destroy their lives just to have sex with teenage boys is wrong, well then I don’t want to be right. As long as these lunatic female educators are risking it all for twenty seconds of clumsy teenage sex, who are we to deny the world the chance to know about it. This may not go over with the powers that be. And this feature might not last. But in the meantime, on this 4th of July, I’d rather ask forgiveness than permission.

The Grades:
Looks: I have to admit, I’m not exactly rebooting GtNSST on the highest note. Kimberly Lynn is the dictionary definition of “average.” She’d be at best a Boston “5”, and even where she comes from she’s probably not more than a Currituck County “6.” The best compliment I can give her is she looks a little like the girl who played Jan in The Brady Bunch Movie. Grade: C-
Moral Compass/Bad Judgment: If you’re not familiar with the concept, the key to a good grade here is in the details. Naked photos are a plus. Videos of course. Was it in a funny place like a parking lot outside a Walmart. Some of the greats have involved another female teacher. And confessions are always a huge plus. On this one we’ve got nothing. Just a simple grand jury felony indictment. But you’ve got to start someplace. I can only work with the materials I’m given. So step it up, ladies. Grade: D
Intangibles: Now we’re talking. “Kimberly Lynn Umphlett” not only sounds like something John would come up with trying to guess the name of Ted’s girlfriend, adding “…from Kill Devil Hills” makes it sound like she’s a character out of a Rob Zombie movie. If he made movies about nutjobs who sleep with high school kids. Grade: A
Overall: C. Not much to go with. But unless I’ve completely misread the depravity of our society (Spoiler: I haven’t), there will be plenty more where she came from.

(Have a story of a female teacher having sex with her students? Particularly one where her picture is on Twitter? Help advance the cause of civilization by sending it to me @jerrythornton1 or


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